She’s occupying my mind again. Well, she’s always present in the back of my head but now and again almost everyday she’s the subject of my hard working braincells of thought, the only subject. I’m going to tell you a bit about that right now. I’ve warned you about this, or at least those of you who can read swedish ;)

She’s a special girl. Most people fascinates and scare me because I don’t know how to behave around them, but she fascinates and scares me bacause she’s stiring feelings in me that I can’t identify or understand. The very first time I laid eyes on her she cought my interest because of her natural good looks and the selfconfident way that she walked across the hall. After a very short while I knew that she was interesting in other ways too. I learned that she shared my interest in drawing and writing, that she didn’t waste air on smalltalk or bullshit, that she was a gamenird and liked technique and probably is more intelligent than I can evere hope to be. I liked her from the start but at first I thought that she was totally uninterestet in me so I withdrew a bit to give her space. My experience tells me that silence is a sign of disinterest so I thought that her sparsly use of words meant just that. But somehow we started to hang out anyway at school and I grew quite fond of her but still felt a strange kind of tension between us which held me back. When I really like someone I normally become quite fysical and spontainous but not with her. All my fears around people gets worse around her and every “what if” grows bigger and screams in my head so that I can’t use my old saying “oh, who cares?” that I some times uses on the society’s normal judges. It’s like she’s the most important judge I’ve ever encountered and she dosn’t even mean to! Heck, she’s probably the person that would understand me the most of everyone I know! But the reason to that she has become this judge that scares me shitless is that in the instant I met her I knew I wanted her to like me. When it comes to other new people that i meet my only condition for my frinedship is that they tolerate and treat me with respect and as an equal. It’s a plus if they like me too but not important. Now I’m like trying to be as likable to her as I can but I’m so afraid that I’ll scare her off that I can’t relax and be myself. In a very short time she has become one of the most important persons in my life. Why is that?

I am a crazy person that have believed on soulmates since ever I think and sometimes I feel like she is the One for me. Ever since I desided to go and take a look at her blogg that she printed the adress for in her first Compendium of poems for class I’ve had this feeling. Our oppinions on different topics more often accord than clashes even though she’s somewhat more blue than red as I am. It was shortly before our Christmas vacation and when I read her latest post and was in awe of her fantastic style and language this little strange thought came to my mind: “what if she has written something about me?”
That thought in itself must say something about my emotional state since I’m not normally a very parnoid person so somewhere I’ve must have had a secret hope for her aprovement. You think I got it? You bet. I even got a better verdict than I ever dared hope for. She mentioned me as a “cute half-goth boy-girl” and also questioned her own sexualdisposition because of me. Aint that a good judgement guys? And then I was overwhelmd with warm feelings and struck with guilt. Reading about her life in that way was like taking sneak-peaks in someones dairy. So after a short time writing love-poems trying to tell her that I liked her back I desided it was too cowardly to do that so one evening I brushed my teeth, combed my hair and made sure I didn’t reek of sweat before I walked over to her room. I asked her if I could talk to her and was admitted inside. Nervously I told her that I’d read her blogg and how good I thought she was and also told her that I’d read it all the way from the school start in August up to then. When she realized that I had noticed the things she’d wrote about me she said something like: “some things shouldn’t be printed”. I think she did that because I acted so strangly. Maybe she thought I didn’t approve, or perheps she actually had changed her mind about me. In any case, by that time I hade run out of determination and in my nervousness lost focus on what I wanted to say so I couldn’t form the words “I like you too”. Instead we talked an hour about nothing.

Since then I’ve been very confused and heartsick I guess. I hide it good but fear every day that she’ll notice something in me and my behavour that she won’t like. The biggest problem though is that I don’t know what I want with this. I want her to know that I like her very much and don’t want to lose her into a pleassant memory, and I sertainly do want her to like me back. But how much am I ready to like her? Like a life-long partner to have a family with or just a life-long soulmate friend? Does it matter? Maybe I just want to lieve that up to her...


Maybe it’s intuition
But some things you just don’t question
Like in your eyes I see my future in an instant
And there it goes I think I’ve found my best friend

I know that it might sound more than a little crazy
But I believe

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There’s just no rhyme or reason
Only the sense of completion
And in your eyes I see the missing pieces I’m searching for
I think I’ve found my way home

I know that it might sound more than a little crazy
But I believe

Origin unknown so far (might be a friend of mine’s creation)