Death

I got a terrible chain-text message from a friend to day. It really gave me the creeps.

“Om du tänker köra ihjäl dig så tänker jag sitta bredvid. Om du tänker ta massa tabletter så tänker jag ta lika många. Om du tänker skjuta dig själv så får du skjuta mig först. Om du tänker hoppa så kommer jag att hoppa med dig. Om du vill leva så tänker jag alltid leva med dig. Skicka tio till de sötaste du känner och får du minst fem tillbaka är du älskad...allt för dig vännen <3”

I don't know if you've heard of it but a guy in Norway resently died in a carcrash and two weeks later his best friend probably killed her self by driving into a mountainwall on the same road. Well, francly, I’ve always hated these chain-letters, messeges and mails. It’s a lot of bullshit and a waste of time and energy unless you send it to someone who really love getting them “all five” so that he or she can feel loved but this really takes the prize...I never return the ones I get anyway and this one was not an exception, but I felt my heart being squeezed by a cold hand when I read it.
Maybe it’s because of the senserity in the text. I don’t doubt that the girl/woman sending this to me really count me as one of her best friends but I’m sure she wouldn’t stand by these words. Not that I blame her or beacuse I don’t think she would be honorable enough or brave to do it, she might be, it’s just that I know her life doesn’t depend on mine. These are beautiful words to give a friend, really, but they shouldn’t be used lightly (though I don't think she does, I only think that they're only a friendly gesture to her and not dead serious, so to speak). Maybe I’m being old fashioned, but if I uttered these words they would mean exactly what they say: I can not live without you. And if my friend had written these words without the traditional chain-letter-ending-thing I’d be really scared right now. These words are binding in my world (unless they’re part of a chain-message and you know the one sending it is a sucker for those and probably don’t take the words as serious as you do), they’re something you might say on your weddingday to your partner or someone else really special.
Even if I felt this way for someone I’d probably never tell him or her. Say them to the wrong person, someone like me, and litterarily mean them and this person, like me, will brake down in tears, of two reasons. One: The feeling is mutual and I’m honored and happy beyond sense and you’ve just taken away my own independent choice of death, or two: I don’t feel the same but I feel guilty for making you feel this way and you’ve still taken away my choice of death.
I’ll try to explain what I mean here. Some might already understand, but as you might have figured I have a quite liberal view on suicide. To me everyone has a right to end his or her life when they think they had enough of it. On condition that they really know what they’re doing and arn’t only temporarily suicidal from psychosis or something when you still might be able to save them. This means that we all have the freedom to choose death for ourselves when the time comes of any sane reason. But if I ever hear these words I’ll be afraid of killing myself because it means that I’m going to take someone with me wheather I want it or not. That does not give me freedom of choice. But who knows, if the right person says this to the right person we’d have a perfectly happy co-existing “couple” that would be able to discuss their mutual lifes and deaths on a mature and sane level. That’s rare.

But none of this means that I wouldn’t happily give my life for those I care for because I will if it ever comes to that. It's when it's not just my life for yours but actually our two lives are one that things get really scary and serious. What my friend feel is most probably the first one but it sounds better to say it the other way, but would she do it? No. Not becuse she doesn't love me enough but because she doesn't love me in that particular way that makes the own life meaningless without the other. I don't think she understands the difference and I don't hold it against her, but the person comming up with this message in the first place has no respect or what so ever for that kind of love.