What are you trying to prove?

She wonders what guy would want a woman that dresses like her and I smile to myself. Sure, I think femme fatale can be sexy too but to me women like her are the real deal. I think so because they dress down their gender. I feel the same for men with feminine details to their outfit like a scarf or why not a handbag? They don’t have to be gays to do it. Actually, I am even more impressed if they’re not.

There’s a certain strength to it, a relaxed confidence and maturity that I find more attractive than those feminine females and manly males because they act as if they have something they need to prove. Of course there ought to be women who dress as feminine as they can because they just feel beautiful that way, but it mostly make me suspect that they’re very unsecure people with low self-esteem. Like guys who think they have to fight and smell bad and be homophobic to be “real” men (as oppose to open minded and huggable with deodorant). Thick layers of make-up that has to be put on before going to fetch the newspaper in the morning might just be the same kind of self-defense so that nobody may question their gender…or whatever they’re trying to protect or prove.

I think that’s why I like her so much and disgust myself so much. She’s honest and confident and dare tell people to fuck off if they don’t like it. I’m just a low-life trying to prove that I’m worthy of the rags I put on. That I’m just another guy and there’s nothing different or strange about me. It’s just that it’s not true.

What I wear I wear to feel secure, cool and– no surprise there - manly. I want to convince my fellow humans that I belong to the rank of the males. Does it work? No. No, because it’s not the clothes that make the man, or woman. It’s mainly the facial features (no matter what people say about what you’ve got between the legs because that’s not normally up for display) and behavior. What you think you are doesn’t much matter. One thing I’ve learned thus far is that we’re not masters over our own sexes. It’s what people perceives and want to believe that matters. So all one has to do is find a way to deal with it.

We should all just give them the finger and dress whatever the way we want, take on names that contradicts our sexes and live in untraditional families. If we dare. I wish I did. I wish I didn’t know exactly what it’s like having to prove who I am, constantly trying to convince everyone else that I’m a guy without actually having to say it even though my name spoils it all. But it’s not just my name though. It’s my face too, my smile and my behavior. My bloody body. It won’t help just changing my name; people will question that more than my clothes. And like the feminine females and manly males I hate to be questioned. I’m actually terrified. I want to be left alone, accepted, no questions asked. But as a guy in a female body I find that quite natural. Why women in female bodies have to overdo their femininity I don’t know; I don’t understand what they’re trying to prove. Perhaps it is just some primitive and bizarre mating ritual. But the guys that prefer those girls probably like them all submissive and worshipping too. Who would want a guy that wants that?