Ironic. Or?

A cousin of mine posted a little text on Facebook that goes like this:

"Isn't it ironic?
We ignore the ones who adore us,
adore the ones who ignore us,
love the ones who hurt us,
and hurt the ones that love us."

Don't know where she got it from, maybe it's part of some lyrics or something, but it sounds about right when it comes to human nature. Or rather psychology. At least when it comes to some of us regarding some of those statements. And I think I know why.

We ignore the ones that adore us? Of course, because they obviously have a bad taste in people and like the wrong things about you or believe you're a better person than you really are. It certainly has to be something wrong with a person that adore you. Stupid sod.

Adore the ones that ignore you? Yeah, for why should that marvelous and beautiful creature even look at you? You? Ha, dream on, they deserve something better than to withstand the presence of someone like you. But remember, not all that ignore you are your betters and those who aren't should be staked and flayed for not recognizing your supremacy...or simply ignored.

Love the ones that hurt us? Well, who likes being treated like a rare and frail porcelaindoll, anyway? Bring it on, baby, I can take it! And you know I probably deserve it anyway...

Hurt the ones that love you? Hell yes, who else would put up with your shit and still stay? Damn right! That's how you know you're loved; they still stand by your side even if you bring down all hell upon them, they'll pick you up, waving fists and all, and tell you that they love you for all that you are, just the way you are- and smack you right back to your senses.

I don't know, does the first part sound selfpittying? Or just tragic? I believe that most of us walks about with a sense of being less than our ideals and thus rendering us to feel inferior, and yet at the same time dismissive about those who clearly don't look down on us. I know I do sometimes. But of course these are not the only or even the complete answers to why we feel or do these "ironic" things. It's just some of the answers that might be due to feelings of inferiority. Those are dangerous. Makes you say or do things to others that you think won't hurt as much coming from you because you're such a low-standing and despicable person anyway that no-one will care what you say or do. Nothing can be further from the truth, because they will.

And also, it makes a quite miserable life thinking that people who likes you must be crazy, and those who ignore or even hurt you are actually doing the right thing. Is that a preferable state of mind to you? (yes, I've been telling myself this in the past and sometimes still have to; and I must admit that it's a lot easier getting along with myself and life in general if I don't feel like a bitching underdog all the time- but it's not easy getting over myself...)

Am I describing what they call bad selfesteam? I think so, but honestly, I think that you'd have to be a narcissist if you weren't bothered by people adoring you. Or hating you. Me. I've been an underdog quite long enough I think. I used to have this great selfconfidence as a kid, never minding what others thought about me or the things I did, thinking that I could be just the way I was and nothing or no-one could ever brake me. Turned out that they could. The "bitching" I'm talking about derives from the anger and disapointment you feel about yourself for not reaching your own expectations- you didn't care before; why do you now?! But instead of answering that question (you care now because it hurt you more than you care to admit when you realized that you too are dependent on others whether you like it or not) you turn the anger on the people that got to your weakness and constantly feel like they are the ones that hurt you and should be punnished for it but- and this is ironic- you only end up hurting yourself. I'm not the person I was as a kid and I'll never be that naïve and blind again, thank every god for that. Believing that you got wings doesn't mean you can fly. If I can accept that I'm not invonerable and move on from that blow to my own ego, I can see myself more clearly and work with a more realistic image of who/what I am and can achieve than I did before. When you finally accept that what you thought was outstanding selfconfidence of your childhood really was denial of the ugly truth from what it means to live in a society you can also accept that this person who once was you actually died and won't ever come back. The anger you feel is your denied grief over your own lost naïvety. Now let it go. Before you hurt someone with it. Accept that you're weak (just like everybody else so you truly are in good company) and it's not so bad. You can only get stronger from now on.

Well, that's the theory. I don't "bitch" as much as I used to, I feel a lot happier about myself these days while working on slowly and methodically building that selfconfidence I believe I lost but probably never had. Ignorance is bliss, but not if you step right into the fire not knowing it's hot- meaning that my "confidence" was just denial that the fire could ever burn me. Now I know better and it's not anyone elses fault that I was arrogant.

***

It feels like I began talking about one thing and ended with something else, but somehow they also feel closely related, don't they? When you're not balanced and don't know the difference between the ideal and the real thing you end up dismissing the people that think better of you than you do yourself and hold others higher than what they really can be because they're just people too. Or something. It sounds about right in my ears anyway.