A social game

Now and again I experience some of the most peculiar social games that I find difficult to come to terms with even though I know what they are for. Take this for example:

There are three people in the room; Q, Z and X. Q eagerly informs Z that there's this wonderful secret to be revealed, exclusively for Z. X think nothing about it since it's natural for old friends to have private secrets. Then X is called just outside the room by B who waits in the doorway. Apparently this secret is so wonderful that Q can't wait any second longer and instantly approaches Z to whisper the secret in a very obvious, very not so discrete way. X notices and get this odd schoolyard feeling but return the focus on B to give Q and Z their privicy. Then Z exclaims excitedly over the secret but instantly appologise to Q for doing so since it might make X feel excluded, as if X hadn't noticed the exclution allready.

It must be hard having secrets that are so difficult to contain you can't even wait 'til you're all clear, so to speak. As far as I can remember I've never had such secrets.

But then again, I don't recall ever playing that kind of game either. It's probably something most people learn in kindergarden and then keep doing without even thinking about it, ergo; it's likely done without intention to be hurtful. But, I realize that the original point of this game is to make it plain to a new member of the group that there are things he or she is yet too new to be privy of and at the same time assert the greater status of an old member, all subconsiously. Of course it can be used intentionally too, as a form of mastering or test, perhaps to make the new member leave or work harder to be accepted into the group; something I remember happening all the time back in school a long time ago. And back then I would usually respond with leaving. I thought of myself as too good to accept stupid social games, rules and conditions of friendship such as that, but I guess mostly it was due to pride and fear because at other times I would give in when I desperatly craved companionship and instead awkwardly overdo what I thought was socially expected of me. Now it just feels old but also slightly amusing when it happens among grown ups. Such a childish behaviour, isn't it? And the amusing part is that they don't even realize it.

It's a group behaviour I'll never truly understand or be able to play convinsingly. I also feel that I'm no longer too proud, afraid or needy to either leave the company entierly or succumb to these conditions because these days I feel...indifferent to group belonging, or maybe just less...wanting. I don't miss it the same way I once did, even though it sometimes makes me itchy and restless to know what is expected of me and yet unwilling or able to play along. At times it makes me a little sad to think that rather from never having had the need of belonging I've just learned to put it aside because of all the things I don't understand and/or the desturbing lack of dignity in some of the behaviours involved with socializing like "normal" people on their terms. I know how it sounds but my priorities have changed. I won't step out of my way to reach for things I'm not sure I truly want. And I also won't be annoyed or insulted by things others do without thinking while meaning no harm. Because that's a mistake I've made plenty of times myself. So I'll just let it pass by, as I am passing through.

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Oh, yes, I'm so totally over analysing as usual...