Decisions

In some circles it’s taken for granted that a transsexual man would want to remove the ovaries and the womb. There are two reasons for this. The first one is usually the notion that those things are the most feminine parts one can have, apart from breasts, and thus a man, a “real” man, wouldn’t want anything to do with them. That’s probably mostly true. Well, not that “real” men have to think like that but that most men, cis- and transgendered alike, would not like having those parts because they prefer different parts in/on their bodies.
The second reason why removing those parts are expected and very strongly recommended by some is the fear that hormone treatment heightens the risk of getting cancer; even though no study so far that I’ve seen has been able to prove such a correlation. Not that it would matter to me even if it did.

I decided to remove those parts when I was thirteen and got my first period. I didn’t ask for it and wanted it to stop. And this was long before I knew any words that could describe my feelings about it or the name of the condition that could be the cause of those feelings. They persisted every time I allowed myself to think about certain body parts. They made me feel sick, angry and betrayed because they were inflicted on me. So when I’d had the visit to the gynecologist (ordered by the head psychiatrist of the trans-team in Uppsala) I swore, again, that I’d have the stuff removed. I cried over the injustice of it when I heard how normal and fine everything looked. What could be “normal” about a dude with ovaries and a womb?!

This was about four years ago and somehow, along the way, I “forgot” about it because the anger subsided.  I know why. It’s because with the hormone treatment I don’t bleed any more, although I sometimes get the pains that used to come with it. I’ve been on T (testosterone) for three and a half years now but still haven’t found the balance because I either spike too high (which makes me feel unreasonably happy, not aggressive; who needs to be aggressive when you’re happy?) or drop too low and start bleeding again. I’ve messed up a couple times too by accidently taking too much or split the dose without consulting the doc but still; having ovaries adding their own hormones to the cocktail sure messes things up.

But still…removing the ovaries and the womb is a surgery that I feel strangely reluctant to do. Strangely because I’m not afraid of surgery and rather feel fascination and eagerness about such things- I wish I could’ve been awake or at least gotten my top surgery on tape for instance- so shouldn’t I be likewise excited about this one? Well, I’m not.

Why keep them when I’m not interested in pregnancies? I cannot imagine a growing tummy because of a child without a cringe of disgust. That’s not for me. I don’t want to be the host for an alien, and I don’t want to create a new life as frail as candle light that might flicker out and die before my eyes. I do not want to bear that pain. But I like children and would be happy to be a parent.

Am I keeping the stuff for the time being because some day I might want to use the equipment? Perhaps. I’m not idealistic enough to remove those things just to prevent my future self from having babies and help over populate the earth (because I don’t really care). My future self may not thank me, but may not thank me for keeping them either. Mostly I think that they’re still there because I’m too afraid to look at them. Why else don’t I go to the recommended check-ups? Even if the risk of getting cancer is low, even if I may not choose to treat any cancer I might get that’s not why my belly tighten in fear every time I’m asked to book an appointment. It’s not even fear because a trans-man such as me might get a shittier treatment than some cis-women get. I think I fear the fact that they might still be there looking all fine and normal despite my wishing them to just crumble up and die on their own accord- no decisions having to be made.

Emotionally I just can’t deal with the fact that they’re there so I efficiently block my emotions and try to make decisions on cold rationality. Problem is there are too many rational options and I don’t know how to unblock emotions once I’ve put up the blockade. But I need them to know what I want.