Forgiveness

I can’t get my head around the Christian notion of forgiveness. Yesterday I saw Philomena, the movie about an Irish woman who was locked up with the Magdalena-sisters for getting pregnant outside of marriage and then the baby was adopted away against her will. The movie is about her trying to find her son. At the end Philomena rebukes the reporter for yelling at the sisters and “making a scene” when he accuses them of what they’ve done to her. He cannot understand her reaction and explains his behavior with the fact that he’s angry about what they did all those years ago and that they continued to keep the mother and son apart even though they were both looking for each other and she says:

“That must be exhausting” (being angry), and “I forgive you, sister Hildegard” (who, in the movie, was the main preventer of a reunion).

I agree that being angry all the time is extremely exhausting and doesn’t really get you anywhere so I try not to bother; I’ve been angry enough for a lifetime about things I cannot change. What’s done is done and the circumstances that shape my life are things better accepted and dealt with- not by banging my head against them but by taking a step back and look for a way around, over or under. But sometimes feeling angry can feel good too; gives one a sense of power, of self-righteousness and the notion that you can stand up for yourself when being wronged, that you won’t take shit from anyone. That feeling probably derives from vanity and pride; I am such a great person I should not have to be wronged and accept injustice.

To forgive the pain and suffering someone else causes you means that you have to make the other person an obstacle that cannot change- which, in a way, makes them less than their potentials, less than what they should be. You have to expect less from them in order to forgive them because being angry with them won’t make them change; it will only make it seem they’re right about you and your lack of self-control and moral so that the punishment seems just. The only one who can change is you. So by forgiving them you’re putting aside the anger and hate that caused you to scream that other people have to change because they hurt you by their actions (which make them laugh and hurt you more). Instead you’re calmly saying that they don’t know what they’ve done, or continue to do, because they’re too ignorant to do any better and you’re such a great and generous person allowing them to do these things to you because they can’t be expected to change.

Doesn’t it sound rather condescending? You’re too ignorant to know any better, and I forgive your lack because you are a lacking person, you have a limit and you’ve reached it, you won’t get better than this and I refuse to be as lacking as you so I forgive instead of paying back in kind. Even the crucified Jesus said:

“Father, forgive them for they do not know what they’re doing”.

Feels good to hear, right? To me that’s arrogance disguised as humility, because it’s saying that I am better and stronger, and the things that you do are horrible but I can’t expect any better from you so I won’t send a bolt of lightning to make you mind your manners in the future. You’re too crude to learn from that anyway, so I’ll simply forgive you, and ask my father to do the same (though I think that was easily granted since God wanted the people to crucify his son…)

Don’t get me wrong now; I love this kind of condescending arrogance as it gives results and brings the same feeling of self-righteousness and power as anger does, only more controlled. I’ve got the power to forgive your wrongdoings against me because your powers are more limited than mine. I’m the mature one. Rather like Baloo holding little Moglie as he’s kicking the bear in the stomach. Ridicules, right, the kicking? As if it would hurt the bear.

It probably does. No matter how big you are it still hurts. But it doesn’t have to make you lash back in anger and resentment that they dare hurt you though they should know better. Yes, they should, but they don’t.  Accept that, don’t expect more and it’ll be easier to forgive, to move on and stop wasting time on feelings like anger and disappointment or fear. But it feels like it’s really easy to become cynical, arrogant and smug along the way while looking impossibly humble and “good”.

So is this what Christian forgiveness is about (being a condescending wiseass) or am I missing something?