Death and challenges

After my relaps into reading I had a relaps into the depth of depression. For a few days I honestly felt that, for the first time really, that death woudn’t be so bad. If it wasn’t so messy, needed extended planning and caused all kinds of feelings among people that have come to love me I might’ve given myself a hand. But fear not, as long as I can find excuses for not doing it there’s nothing to worry about. I think.

Anyway, after meeting my parents and brother in Gävle on Saturday feeling oddly disconnected and yet at the same time very relieved to have them around I realized later that evening what a bloody fool I really am. The thought had crossed my mind earlier too but left no impression; I just cept thinking of how unfortunat I am living in this world and not Deverry (omg) and was quite ready to throw my life away on regretting that, wishing that things would be different. Luckily Saturday night brought with it the insight of how stupid and unfair it is to neglect the love from my family and friends, turn my back on them either by disinterest in favour of fantasies or simply by giving up on the joy and happiness I could find in this world if I looked hard enough and finnish it off. There will never be dweomer here (magic) or dragons (they’re all long dead) and I have to find a way to cope with the expectations from a capitalistic, materialistic and elitistic world and even though those things gets on my nervs I should be able to stand them for family and friend’s sake. And besides, the Inca’s foretold that the world will go under 2012, our counting (or was it the Astec’s?), and surely I can make it til then, can’t I?

But now that I solved that little problem I get a more pressing one. How to cope with the To speak course that’s a must for this fucking programme. Next Monday we’re holding our first speaches on the worst kind of subject: What is it that made me who I am today? We’re suppose to pick examples from our past and make a story about ourself to tell half the class in four to five minutes. It scares the living shit out of me. Question one: Who am I today? Answer: I am many things; the most obvious are that I am a quiet, tranquill and independent workingclass person dressed in dark and masculine clothes and the less obvious are that I am a more or less asexual transexual f-t-m with dreams of becoming a great writer without the ambition and fire needed for it. Question two: Do I want to tell them this? Answer: I’m not sure. It might come out as very selfcentered and attentionseeking, which makes a bad image even if the selfcentered part probably is true, but worst is the consequenses of such a statement as being transexual. It’s a golden opportunity to come out with it, but it might also very well be a great icebreaker. So far they’ve only asked silly and pointless questions but oh so safe ones like “how are you, how’s your weekend been” and so on just to show off their good character, that they care for those week and not so socially compitent; but if I come out they might very well start asking real questions and that means I’m gonna have to give real answers. Am I up for it? It has to come out sooner or later anyway if I’m going to stick around; which I’m seriously sceptic about because of this course...The alternative is to tell them some lukewarm story that really says nothing about me which also feels kind of stupid. Am I going to be angsting for a week and tell them nothing when I finally stand there? Feels like a waste of bad bowels, sleepness nights and crawling skinn; if I’m going to endure all that I might as well go for Big Bang and not just a trail of piss in the dirt. And besides: if I find that angst to be too much to endure for two months from now on and wish to quit then why not do it properly and leave a big crater in their heads where the shy misfit used to be so they can wonder what the fuck hit them.

I think Big Bang is a great metaphor because it stands for an explosive change which my speach will be no matter what I do next if I go for the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I hate speaches and this will be a big fucking challenge. I need to overcome my fear of other people and what they think of me and perhaps a good way to do that is to expose myself to as much attention as possible, break the spell of fear with a fistfull of exposure and humiliation.