Spinning thoughts

The future…who can tell what it’ll bring? I certainly can’t. Since I don’t know for sure what I want I can’t tell what I’ll be doing in a year or two, six months or even next week. The university studies are wearing me down. I felt somewhat the same agony I do now during the second term at Geijer – and back then I cut down on the subjects and dropped history class and the extra english. Now I can’t do that. And yet I got less sessions per week than I did back then. The differense is that now I’m studying something completely new – and on a completely different level. I’m not used to having to put my back into studies, I’m not used to having to put my back into anything. And even though the oral presentations arn’t as bad as I thought they would be they’re painful. I know I’m not the only one to think and feel that way but I am one of those that can’t see any good reasons for enduring pain and agony if it’s not absolutely necessary. Mentally or physically.

I’m spoiled when it comes to schoolwork. Primary school and upper secondary was too easy. I don’t mean that I was some big A student or could’ve been; I don’t think many people can be that good without making some kind of effort. I never made an effort but my grades are still the better part of average I think. The thing is that as soon as we started having grades, in 7th grade, and things sped up I backed off. Put more preassure on me and I bend and dodge. Some people expect grades to motivate students to study harder but on me, and people like me, it has opposit effect. I instantly felt an obligation to meet somekind of abstract expectations for no apparent good reason. How can one grade knowledge? The grades was not for me; they were something for my classmates to compare with, for techers to remark on and parents to be proud of (not that mine ever cared for us to manage more than a G, the rest was just a pleasent bonus). They are useless in my oppinion, but, the point being; as I backed off back then and refused to do much more than what was absolutely necessary, unless the subject was fun, I didn’t learn how to study. I dind’t learn how to fight.

Studying needs planning and organisation, motivation and a general interest. I certnainly lack the two first ones, and my motivation and interest is riding Roller coaster with me. That makes it hard enough. What makes it harder is that every time I think about picking up a darn book I need to read for the subject, or prepairing the next speach for instance, my chest clams up and I feel a pang of total confusion and fear. I wonder: what will I do?! How will I do it?! Can I do it?! Will it be enough?! This is so fucking out of my leage!!!
The strange thing is that I felt almost the same thing when I was trying to pick up my book with recepies for easy meals so I could make myself a weekly menu. I got over it. Does it mean that this is the same and I can get over it? But I have to eat. Meals have to be made in a certain way to become eatable. One doesn’t have to study at a university. I don’t have to study at all. Especially not things that probably won’t lead to anything much, only waste time and money. But what else is there to do? I could move home to mum and dad and perhaps persuade the social services to give me some money until I can get a job. Save the CSN money for the day when I really know what I want to study and have the motivation (and means) for it.

I’m very keen of my own comfort. When I don’t feel comfortable I move on. That’s what I did last autumn in Ireland with the Bennet family. I don’t put up with situations or people that make me uncomfortable. I’ve heard that it’s suppose to be good to challenge one’s comfort-zone. It makes us stronger and braver? Perhaps it does, I don’t know. All I know is that too many people steps too far outside that comfort-zone because they want to meet some kind of, any kind of, expectation and then lose contact with it. They break. I get the feeling that it’s considered cowardise to not be prepaired to do anything to keep up with the expectations. I think that’s regretable but I suppose most pack animals would do anything for the pack to like them. Though I do care what people think about me, much to my own annoyance, I got more self-preservation than that.

But there are no jobs for people like me. Studies are all there is. It’s April now. The end of this term is in June. This term is suppose to be the worst one. I don’t think I’ll break in that short peroid of time so I’ll do what I can even if it’s not enough, even though it’s uncomfortable. Meantime I’ll look for jobs. Any kind of jobs that don’t need previous experience or education and doesn’t preasure my comfort-zone too much.

Better safe than sorry.