Speaking up

Yesterday when I tried to sleep I heared the girl in the room next to mine talking. At first I thought she had someone with her but then I realized that the rythm of her speach wasn’t right and understood that she was reading something. She didn’t whisper the way I do even when I know I’m alone, making my throat sore, but loud and clear. Well, not quite as loud as she would in the middle of the day perhaps but loud enough for me to hear some of it.

From what I heared I suspect the subject was psychology and it sounded quite interesting. At one point she consulted her mother and she said something that sounded like this: “...but it is sad that some people discriminate themselves, and oppresses themselves by not speaking up and share their oppinions...” and “...we live in a democracy after all and everybody has a right of their own oppinion and we should feel sorry for those who don’t dare speak up for themselves...”

I only heared bits and pieces of this conversation but still. Something made me tick. Something felt very lope sided about what she said and yet, I guess, it’s partly true. We all have to make a choice if we should speak up or not, but I don’t think it’s entierly up to the individual to dare and take the space. Just because we live in a democracy it doesn’t mean that everybody are entitled of an oppinion. Thats only the utopia. It might sound disturbing but humans are still like primitive packliving animals and as such only the top animals in a group will have their oppinions listned to. If somebody else, of lower rank, dare have oppninions he or she will be ignored, mocked or even rebuked. As a packliving animal this person won’t speak up again with a personal oppinion. We are submissive to those that show superiority, it’s a survival instinct really, even if it only means a social survival. Even if people don’t let you have an oppinion they let you stay in the group if you mind them and to most that matters more than an oppinion.

But of course sometimes people don’t speak up even if they are very welcome to do so. Some just don’t care enough to share their view with a group, or feel the need to while others might just be afraid. I suppose some would like to pitty those who fear to speak up but all I can think is; who wants to be pittied? And also, I think that the way she said it would make the scared ones blame them selves even more for their own fear. I don’t think that’s fair.

I’m one of those who rarely speak my mind and I certainly don’t want to be pittied for it, even though it is sometimes out of fear that I stay quiet. But usually it’s not fear of the present group I stand before. It’s fear of the past. Animals learn my action and consequence and when we’ve learned that the fire burns we usually think twice before putting our hand into the flames again. I don’t want to be pittied when I fear the “fire”, and I actually don’t want to be encouraged either since that puts preasure on me. I’d rather be left alone and feel from the group that it’s okey to be quiet, to listen and not participate because then, evetnually, I might feel that it’s okey to speak too.

And for who’s to blame there is no real answer. I blame myself everyday for the times when I should have but didn’t speak up. But do I need to hear that we live in a democracy and therefor I have no reason at all to hold my tongue? Is it truly entierly my own fault that my mind is rarely known to others so that I should blame myself even more? Can I not too blame the circumstances that made me fear the consequences of my oppinions? But then again, blame won’t give me my voice back. Not pitty either. Only time and confindence will do that.