Me, myself and I

I often find myself thinking that I’d like some company but I’m probably better off without. Thinking that the company will be more of a hinderance and liability than something useful, that the relationship would probably become more disapointing, hurtful, irritating and tiresome than satisfying if it goes on for a long while. Or I think that I’ll be the disapointing and tiresome part for the other person so that I better not bother them with myself even if I find their company amusing.


Mostly I prefer the occasional company of people that really like to talk and usually mostly about them selves so that all I have to do is listen intently and sometimes poke them with questions that sets them off talking about some other thing they’re occupied with. You know, that gets them off of my scent and keeps them running in an other direction. I like those people but at a length they usually get too sociable and wears me out. The other kind of people that I like is the kind that don’t necessarily need to talk but don’t mind being in the same room. Either we do the same thing like a jigsaw or different things and are content with the quiet company and just the occasional conversation. I can endure, and appreciate, that kind of company for a much longer period of time than the other. The problem is I rarely meet that kind of people.
What I would like to meet though is an individual with a combination of these two traits. I know it’s probably not very realistic since they are two different types of people but maybe there is a chance of finding an individual that balances the two traits in a nice way. Or maybe I should consider getting to know two individuals that would like each other and like me well enough to stick together.

Because the thing is that sure; I like my independence and self-reliance but sometimes it gets lonely. Sometimes I feel a little bit too isolated and withdrawn from the real world and it would probably be a good thing if it (the world that is) would crush into my bubble and make me look at it for at least a little moment and try to care some for it. Widen my view a little. Because I’m much like those people that always talk about them selves it’s just that I don’t talk to others about it, I talk to my self about my self. Which seems rather unproductive really. And very egocentric. So when I meet others that actually talk about themselves I find it restful, as I find it restful to work with people that need my guidence rather than my person because they make me look away from myself and focus entierly on them instead. Their wants and their needs become my world instead of having myself tinking ”me, myself and I” all the time which gets kind of repetative and tiresome after a while. I’m like a spoiled child constantly craving my own attention, and yeah, it’s annoying to be your own curling parent and drill intstuctor simultaniously. And at the same time I have true difficulties actually connecting to other people because I don’t truly understand what most of them are up to. Yes I see what they are trying to do and achieves to but what I don’t understand is why; why they put so much time and money on things that don’t really matters like the newest iPhone or suchlike. Who cares how much money you spent on it and what it can do!? But that’s not the real problem.

People scares the shit out of me. Not only can they bulley and abuse you because some of them are selfish and mean bastards but if you are stupid enough to fall in love or really care for someone they can rip your heart out. Not always becuase they want to but because life makes them to. Perhaps they want to move on with their lifes to places you can’t follow, or maybe they mature and evolve in a way that clashes with your own development. But even if they don’t there’s still one thing no one can flee from. Everyone dies. And it hurts.

Pain is usually something most living creatures tend to avoid and emotional pain just as much as physical. I know I do. Sometimes I feel that I’m better off alone so that I can’t be abandoned, again. Last time it created such a wound in my mind that my whole personality changed by growing around it. Like scar tissue stiffening up a muscle so that the rest of the body has to compensate for it. Or maybe it's just a bruce makeing you more sensetive when bumping into things that you learn to avoid it, which is quite natural really. But such pain also evoke fear and sometimes that fear become more than just reasonable caution and when it does it also makes you avoid doing things you normally like because there might be a slight risk of it turning sour. You want to be on the safe side. Better safe than sorry. Better lonely than rejected. So we stick to ourselves.

Still, we have our dreams and our hopes. We create our fantastic worlds within ourselves where we set the rules and have our safe havens with as many friends as we want. But sometimes we wish that we could reach out into the external reality and touch the hand of someone just as free and lonely. Someone that might understand…