Perhaps
I’m not the right person writing this because I really don’t mind the
questions. I might have difficulties answering them but that’s a general issue
for me- my brain
is slow and needs a lot of time to come up with an answer. It sometimes takes hours to write a comment on
Facebook before I’m satisfied with it, never mind a spontaneous comment in a
heartbeat straight to your face. I don’t consider that answers at all, just
hick-ups…or something. If you want a proper answer please write me instead.
But
questions should not be taken lightly because you never know how they might
impact on the person being asked. Take a moment to think of what and especially why you’re
asking and remember that everyone has a right not to answer.
The
three most common questions I get are these: have you had surgery/will you have
surgery/what kind of surgery (which I consider to be one question because
what’s actually being asked is what my genitals look/will look like even if the
person asking is not fully aware of this)? Why did I choose the name(s) I’ve
taken? What’s it like being what I am?
The
first question is usually what people seem most concerned with and ask as soon
as they get the chance. Usually it’s considered rude and inappropriate to ask
about people’s genitals (compare with asking if someone is shaved, pierced or
circumcised) but not when it comes to us because they can’t generalize about
what we might look like; which is what the gender specific dress codes are for.
It’s a lazy way of “knowing” someone’s sex. Transsexuals have a choice to make:
do we dress according to our genitals to be forever someone else or do we dress
according to our gender identity so that we may be seen as who we are rather than what
we are? Those who have chosen the latter one have another choice to make; do we
put our genitals through surgery to better resemble what we feel we should’ve
been born with or do we accept nature’s cruel gest upon us? This is what people
think they’re asking, believing it says something important about us. It doesn’t.
What’s important about us (and everyone else) is not down there- that stuff doesn’t define anything about anyone- but
growing up in a society where what’s “down there” is made all important to who we are will cause this pressing interest.
And the sudden lack of propriety which I find rather amusing actually. What
people ask says more about them than my answer might say about me.
Why
did I choose to call myself “Gabriel”? I didn’t. Not consciously; I don’t even
like it. I made a list of names I liked, tried them on for size like you do
with a new coat and none of them fit so I added some more names I liked less,
and some that were more like jokes than serious alternatives. Gabriel was one
of the latter; I had faith in the Christian god as a child and strongly
believed that He who created me this way would not approve of me transitioning
because He didn’t change me by my asking. He wanted me to suffer. To endure
being female, and doomed to be seen as what
I am and not who I am.
Transitioning and calling myself by the name of one of the most famous angels
would be like spitting on God Himself. Perhaps that’s why it stuck. It still
chafes a bit because too many hear me say “Gabrielle” rather than the male
version and I’m no “angel”, but I’m androgynous enough for such a name ;) It
got a little better when I after some long and hard thinking came up with a
second name that suits me better- Anakin. That’s more like me, more true to my
nature. I think they bring a nice balance to each other. I’ve also kept my old
name, Therese, for those who are interested because without my history I
wouldn’t be who I am. Though asking for a transpersons’ old name isn’t very
polite because many wishes to forget about it and by asking you bring that old
pain with it as well. That’s true for most, if I understand my fellow
trans-siblings correctly. It’s not painful to me but I may be an exception.
And
the last question- what’s it like to be what I am? Well, there are many answers
to that. Firstly I don’t know anything else so what am I to compare it with? A
“normal” life? Well, I must admit that I’ve wished for that but then again: I
don’t know what I wish for. I wanted to be an ordinary guy, just a regular boy
born with a dangling dick. Things would’ve been so much easier that way but
it’s not what I’ve got. I’m too much of a pragmatic to waste time on wishing
for things to be a way they certainly are not and won’t be until perhaps my
next life if I get one, by which time I’ll be someone else and not who I am
today. I deal with it. What’s it like then, dealing with things that not
everyone in society accepts as a “real” issue but consider just as imaginary as
symptoms of disease caused by hypochondria? Well, it’s tough and some of us
make it while some of us don’t, and even those who make the transition and live
happy lives aren’t safe from prejudice, discrimination, harassment, assault and
even murder. This is true for many and not just lgbtq-people- we all have our
own struggles and there’ll always be people who need someone to blame and to
hate- but so far I’ve only experienced positive reactions from being trans*,
for which I’m very grateful.
But
I am also ashamed. I’ve had it easy. Sure, I too considered suicide for a
while, not because I wanted to die but because I thought I should. I wasn’t
right for god, I wasn’t right for society, not right for the norm and I hated
myself because I tried so hard to be right and still I wanted to be something
that was considered wrong. Who’d want someone that is wrong? Better to die if
there was nothing to gain on being wrong. A transition is not a guarantee for
happiness. But it can be a push in the right direction. I’m lucky to be so pigheaded
and decided, eventually, that since being right by everybody else was killing
me I didn’t really stand to lose anything by being wrong to them and right by
myself.
So here I am, at peace with my body and happy with my life such as it is. These questions don’t bother me anymore
because they’re not really about me, they’re about the one asking and the
society we live in. They concern us all. What we make of our genitals and our
gender identities, sexuality and right to reproduce are important to all of us
and have great impact on individuals and society at large. They don’t need to be this important but as long as
they still are people will keep asking to understand and those of us that can, should
try to explain. It's the only way to move forward; if you don't ask you'll never learn.
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