Split and torn

I feel torn in two. One part of me love the place I’m in now and the other part just want to go home. To break it off, get up and leave just like that, letting everyone down and not give a damn. Have a fresh start.

A few years ago someone called me a “quitter”, a person that take on a task or certain responsibilities and then just drop them all of a sudden, no warning, no back up leaving everyone else high and dry. It pissed me off; I’m not like that! I thought; I had perfectly good reasons for quitting the “team” every time because what had the “team” ever done for me except give me belly aches?

Now I have a team I really like; I’m surrounded by people I really like even though some of them annoys me but that’s what family is for, right? You don’t love everyone and that’s O.K. So why does a part of me want to pick up and leave?

I’m scared, I suppose, really, really scared. Every time before when I’ve dropped out of teams and they’ve called asking where I went, that they “need” me if only to fill the bench while the others play the game (soccer) I’ve felt righteous for doing it. I’ve felt like they didn’t appreciate me enough when I was on the team so it’s just fair to let them realize that even the smallest and most insignificant of members are important too.

I still feel that about those times, even though I recognize the quitting without a word as childish, but it’s not true now. I feel appreciated for what I do, I feel important to the team and I feel liked and respected as a person. Maybe that scares me even more. I’ve finally found the team I’ve always been looking for, the kind of team I really want to be a part of where I care as much of the people around me as they care for me- and that means I’ve got plenty more to lose. Not only would I lose a place which is good for me to be in, not like those other places and “teams”, but I would also lose face if I quit.

Sounds horrible, I know, but it’s true. Never before has anyone counted on me for anything except to fill out the ranks. To sit on the bench and be part of the “team” so that the real players can play. I’ve never felt bad for quitting that. But now that I am a “real” player I can’t just walk off the field because I’m not comfortable with the expectations, or don’t want anyone to rely on me to get things done because I’m afraid to fail them. If I walk away now I’ll be putting my team in a really shitty position and it would be rather sadistic to do so. I’m not, so it won’t happen. I won’t leave, just because I’m afraid I can’t do what I’m expected to do. I’ll do what I can.

Doesn’t mean I’m any less scared or any less torn. I’ve got my family far away and they’re kind of important to me too. I’m beginning to realize something else too and that is that I am a quitter. If I don’t like the circumstances I’m in I rather flee than fight them, because if I get belly aches and my anxiety levels go through the roof every time I’m faced with them it’s not worth it. Pain is fine; as long as the gain is good enough. Then pain can be a spur to get somewhere, but sometimes, like now, that pain is confusingly similar to that other aches and triggers the same responses- flee, get out of here before you get hurt!

Right now I’m trying to tell myself that this is exactly what I was looking for playing soccer and joining other kind of “teams”; feeling like part of a team. Not just an appendage, some annoying omega who just tags along though nobody really want them to be there. I’m very sensitive and knows when I’m not wanted- so I left. After a while, because I really wanted to be accepted and perhaps the others only needed time to get to know me before they could do that. I’m sometimes naïve too…

Another problem is that I don’t let people get to know me so how can I expect them to be accepting? Even now I’m not completely “in” but here it doesn’t matter, it’s O.K. to be private, O.K. to “hover” slightly outside the group because no, it’s not them excluding me this time, it’s me keeping a distance. Perhaps I’ll never be able to completely connect and trust even though I want to, perhaps it’s not in my nature to begin with or maybe my nature has been compromised by “nurture” in school and other team situations. Probably a bit of both; my family is pretty private too.

It’s a challenge. Can I stand the “pain” of being accepted as a full worthy team member? With all the responsibilities and expectations that follows such a membership? Hopefully yes, if I remember that this is not a bad pain, it’s a worth it pain and what I risk to lose is worth every bruise and sting even though nothing lasts forever. Perhaps that’s what scares me the most- I like this place too much and wish to avoid the inevitable pain that comes in the end; when the sweet turn sour as it always does. My instinct is to flee before it turns sour, but not this time. I wouldn’t forgive myself if I did.